Praise Your Kid, But Don't Rush to Call Them Smart

Like many Chinese parents, I’m not used to praising my kids.

Most of the time, I tend to point out problems, reminding them where they’re falling short. I think that’s how I’ll help them improve. But I’ve noticed that even when I do praise my kids, I often do it the wrong way.

For example, if a kid does well on a test, I might say, “You’re so smart.”

If a kid draws a nice picture, I might say, “You’re really talented.”

If a kid completes a task, I might say, “I’m proud of you, you did great.”

These aren’t bad things to say. It’s important for kids to feel seen, affirmed, and encouraged by their parents. A child who only gets criticism and demands, and no affirmation, will definitely get hurt.

But reading ‘Mindset’ recently, I was reminded of something else: praise doesn’t just make kids happy in the moment, it also affects how they see themselves over time.

If we always praise our kids for being smart, talented, or impressive, they might start to think: my worth comes from being smart, more gifted than others, or performing well every time.

This is where a fixed mindset can creep in.

People with a fixed mindset often see abilities as set in stone. They think someone is either smart or they’re not; either gifted or they’re not.

So, when they succeed, they might think it’s because “I’m smart”. But when they fail, they’re quick to think, “Am I not smart enough? Am I incapable? Am I just not suited for this thing?”

This is why simply calling a kid smart can sometimes put pressure on them.

Once a child gets praised for being “smart”, they might want to keep proving it. They may become reluctant to tackle difficult things or become more afraid of making mistakes because failing could be seen as “I’m not smart enough.”

Growth mindset is different.

A growth mindset doesn’t mean everyone has the same talent or that talent isn’t important. Rather, it suggests that abilities aren’t fixed. Abilities can develop over time through learning, practice, good strategies, help from others, and by reassessing and adjusting.

So, it’s more valuable to praise in ways that help a child see what they’re doing right.

Not just saying, “You’re smart.”

But saying, “I saw you didn’t give up, you tried another method.”

Not just saying, “You’re impressive.”

But saying, “You planned that step well, breaking the problem down and solving it piece by piece.”

Not just saying, “You’re talented.”

But saying, “You’ve been practicing a lot, and this time you’re steadier than last.”

In other words, we should praise the real things happening in the process: effort, strategy, focus, choices, persistence, improvement, and courage to try again after failing.

There’s an important distinction here.

Growth mindset isn’t just about saying “You tried hard so you’re great.”

If they try hard but the result isn’t good, we can’t just shower empty praise for effort. They’ll wonder: I tried, why didn’t it work?

A better approach might be to acknowledge their effort and then plan the next step together.

You could say, “I saw you spent a lot of time on this. Let’s see if there’s another way? You’ve tried this method, let’s try a different one next time.”

That’s what I find truly important in ‘Mindset’.

It’s not about not praising your kids or eliminating “smart” from your vocabulary. It reminds us: when praising kids, don’t just praise the result or use a label — steer their focus to the parts they can keep mastering, practicing, adjusting.

For truly gifted kids, such praise helps them see that talent isn’t an excuse not to work hard. The more talent they have, the more they need to learn to use it, train it, rather than take it for granted.

For kids whose talents seem ordinary, this kind of praise is crucial too. It shows them that “not being smart” isn’t hopeless. Many things can indeed improve with method, practice, and persistence.

So I think parents need to learn not just “praise your kids more.”

More accurately, learn to praise your kids more specifically.

Less “You’re smart,” more “I saw you tried a new method.”

Less “You’re awesome,” more “You didn’t give up.”

Less “You’re so talented,” more “Your practice lately has really paid off.”

A good praise isn’t just a nice compliment; it helps a kid see how they can become more capable through learning, strategy, and persistence.