Freedom
Last weekend, I attended a retreat called Marvel Men.
One of the segments was to meditate on what kind of God God is and how my relationship with Him is.
We were standing outside. When I looked up at the sky, I saw a tall pine tree in front of me. The pine tree was home to many little birds, and some were flying around in the sky, giving me a sense of great freedom.
I looked at the trees around me and saw the grass swaying in the wind, and I thought of the fish in the water.
In nature, everything is so free. When I shared, I said God is the God who grants freedom, but I feel like I have no freedom.
I’ve been unconsciously reflecting on the topic of “freedom” these past two days.
God (the Creator) is so loving and vast, granting people freedom. But why in my life, in my heart, do I not feel free?
I just feel like I’m filled not with freedom but with all kinds of bonds, filled with accusations, self-condemnation, guilt, and frustration.
After returning home from the outdoor camp, maybe it was due to being too tired from driving, or perhaps the low feeling from the end of activities, I felt rather low, weary, and without strength.
After a night’s rest, thanks to my wife who gave me a massage, my body recovered a lot. This morning, when I thought of the word “freedom,” I felt inspired to praise and sang several hymns related to freedom.
While singing, it suddenly hit me to think about my recent life and those things that trapped me in a lack of freedom without me noticing.
I can’t stick to a regular devotional life.
Since last Christmas until early January this year, I kept a schedule of waking up at 5:30 AM to quietly read the Bible, pray, and record my thoughts. This was not a form of asceticism; I genuinely was willing and found it sweet.
But at a certain point, due to external and internal reasons, that rhythm became irregular and then started to break. When I wanted to return to that state, it seemed like I couldn’t go back, which left me feeling quite defeated.
Since around January, I’ve been accompanying a brother’s family who are facing marital challenges.
At that time, I was also reading the Bible with them at 5:30 AM, praying, and spending time in devotion. Through our daily sharing and helping each other, their marital relationship has restored a lot in this process.
Meanwhile, we had a lot of in-depth exchanges and prayed for each other. But just like my devotional time, at a certain point, I didn’t maintain the appointed communication and prayer well, repeatedly putting it off.
I felt a lot of guilt and self-blame for not being able to provide help when they needed it.
At the end of March, I left the organization I was working for and began exploring working as a solo entity.
During this process, I had a lot—not to say there wasn’t peace, but indeed a lot of hesitation. I prayed about it and about this change in work. But unlike other brothers who share deciding after receiving complete confirmation from God, I felt like I had prayed enough and then made my decision.
So I have some doubts in my heart about this exploration and try, and at times I struggle with self-condemnation, feeling like I’m not following God’s will.
But to be honest, based on past experience, I’m not someone who is very spiritually sensitive. I’m not the type to clearly and directly hear God’s will. This might be a way God is guiding me.
I impose a lot of restrictions on my kids. I have to say and must admit that it’s foolish and lacking in wisdom.
I don’t know where the boundaries are in dealing with my children, how much freedom to give them, and how to set those boundaries. Maybe I’m right, maybe I’m wrong, but I really can’t tell what’s right and what’s wrong.
For example:
- Use of electronic devices
- Whether to let them play video games
- Their time management
When it comes to my children, I actually have a lot of judgments in my heart and am very harsh, with overly high expectations for them. This makes them feel unfree, and I haven’t given them much affirmation either. This state in turn rekindles my own accusations, leaving me feeling very guilty.
The hymn “Not I, But Christ Lives in Me” touched and comforted me greatly:
“What a gift, Jesus is my Redeemer; What abundance, God has no other gifts. He is my joy, my righteousness, and my freedom, Unchanging love, infinitely deep and wide peace.
I firmly believe, only Jesus is my hope, My life is tightly bound with Him. What a wonder, this grace belongs to me; Not I, but Christ lives in me.”
Second verse:
“Grace is deep, but I won’t be cast aside, for my Savior is always with me. Though I am weak, I still joyfully move forward; my lack reveals His great power, I firmly believe.
My Shepherd will protect me, He leads me through the valley of the shadow of death.
I am truly weak, but I will joyfully move forward. I won’t be cast aside because my Savior is always with me. My Shepherd will protect me, leading me through the valley of the shadow of death.”
Third verse:
“There is no fear, for I know I have been forgiven. The future is bright; the debt of sin has been paid. Jesus bled and suffered for my redemption; He rose from the dead, completely victorious over the grave. I firmly believe, my sin has been completely atoned for; Jesus is my everlasting refuge.”
I once again declare: Jesus has completely won. He bled and suffered for my redemption, rose from the dead, fully victorious.
Sitting by the windowsill, I began to pray. Before long, I couldn’t help but cry, tears streaming down as I asked the Lord to help me.
Lord Jesus, You grant me freedom. I know my salvation is by grace, my justification is also by grace, but many times, I unconsciously rely on myself for holiness rather than relying on God’s grace.
Please help me, let me rely wholly on Your grace on the path to sanctification. This is also what I heard when I returned to the church from camp yesterday: justification is by grace, and sanctification is also by grace.