Feeling Sick

I’ve been sick twice in my life. The first time was in 2017 due to a sudden cold snap. It affected my tailbone, leaving me bedridden for three weeks. I couldn’t get up, couldn’t walk, just lying down. The second time is more severe, this one — probably triggered by pollen allergies, leading to allergic conjunctivitis. It’s lasted nearly two weeks now. My conjunctivitis hasn’t fully healed and keeps recurring.

Being sick for so long brings a lot of mental stress. At work, being absent for an extended period disrupts others’ schedules and overall plans. With no one to fill in, the stress builds, or let’s say, it creates a sense of guilt. It’s the same at home. Unable to do much, or very little, makes me feel like a burden to my family, bringing about this nasty guilt.

So many negative emotions arise. In pain, you crave understanding and care from family. Genuine concern, yes, that’s it—the kind that comes with sincere checking in and attentive care. Even when family does well, the patient’s heart can feel unfulfilled, as if something’s missing, leading to self-pity and resentment.

The past couple of days, my allergic conjunctivitis has been on and off, along with congestion, coughs, and even a bit of asthma. My mood swings wildly. Sometimes, comforted by a verse or two from the Bible, my heart fills with hope. Other times, I sink into complaint and dissatisfaction, overwhelmed by anxiety about the future. It’s a constant seesaw.

Last night, my illness hit a peak. Blurry, stinging eyes from allergies, combined with coughing, sore throat, and fever—all tangled together. I ended up wrapping myself in blankets to rest early, but couldn’t sleep. So, I listened to an audio Bible, to Revelation, reflecting as I listened.

In Revelation 3, the letter to the church in Laodicea says, “I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth. You say, ‘I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.’ But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked. I counsel you to buy from me gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to wear, so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes, so you can see.”

How similar this is to my recent state, my mindset, and my current illness.