A Two-Day Cold War With My 10-Year-Old Daughter

The Reason

Around 5 PM last Wednesday, my wife called to say she had picked up the kids from school and they were downstairs. I told her I’d come down to get some exercise with Linda for half an hour, then we’d head home for homework.

Why did I think Linda needed to use some time for exercise? Her studies are intense; her body needs adjustment and rest. The night before, she wrestled with a math problem until past ten. I set aside my work, grabbed Linda’s jump rope, and went downstairs enthusiastically.

As soon as I said, “Linda, come on, let’s jump rope for half an hour,” her cheerful face turned into a look of “misery.”

She quietly responded, “There’s a lot of homework today; if I don’t finish, it’s your fault.” Her words made me feel slightly uncomfortable.

“Come on, you need a little exercise, just half an hour. It’ll help keep you healthy.” I insisted, starting toward the community sports area. Linda reluctantly followed, dragging her feet, completely unwilling.

I stopped, waited until she caught up, and said sincerely, “You’re studying very hard. If you don’t rest and exercise, your body will suffer, you know?”

Then more lecturing, “You’re unwilling to exercise, but you know, I’ve put aside my work specially to come down and be with you.”

After saying that, seeing Linda’s unwilling face, I got a bit upset, “I came down to exercise with you in good faith. If you don’t want to, well, I can live without it too!”

Linda quietly replied, “If neither of us wants to, then let’s skip it.” Her calm words shut me down entirely. I was speechless, unable to argue, but fuming inside. I told her, “Fine, go back then, don’t exercise.” And she did.

I wandered around our community for a long time, vented a lot on WeChat to my wife: Raising kids is such a drag… This daughter of ours, I won’t deal with her anymore… How is she so heartless, so ungrateful… I won’t speak to her tonight…

Cold War

That night, I stayed alone in the room, even ate separately, not joining them. Didn’t manage any house matters. No reminders to the kids on what to do. Just a stone face when I saw my daughter.

Remarkably, she acted like nothing happened, eating and drinking as usual.

The Bible says not to let the sun go down on your anger. But I couldn’t manage that.

My wife said, don’t hold a cold war with your child; it’s bad for her growth.

I said, no way. She needs to understand how her attitude and words can hurt people and damage relationships. Linda needs a lesson to become more aware and change. Also, deep down, I really couldn’t forgive her.

The next morning, while they went to school, I stayed in the bedroom and didn’t come out. Same in the afternoon when they came home. Ignored every household matter. I understood about those “uninvolved” dads; today, I chose to be one. Ate separately again that night, not a single word spoken. Even with my son, Anran, I was curt and cold.

By the third morning, I drove them to school. But just drove, didn’t say a word.

So for two nights and one day, I didn’t say a single word to Linda. It was our first real rift as father and daughter.

My wife said it couldn’t continue. I realized, yes, any more of this cold war will be too much.

My wife helped me analyze why Linda resisted jumping rope that day: pressure and urgency from her homework. Her diligence should be appreciated. Secondly, she’s fearful of jumping rope because, during badminton training, she couldn’t master the “double jump” despite many attempts, feeling defeated.

Hearing this changed my perspective on Linda.

My wife and I planned that on Friday, between school dismissal at 4:30 and badminton practice at 5:00, I would have a private talk with Linda to sort things out.

Reconciliation

I was really nervous. I asked my wife several times how to start, what to say.

At 4:30, my wife sent Linda to the parking lot outside the sports center to find me. I was waiting in the car.

Linda opened the back door and got in. I told her to come to the front seat (I wanted to be closer to talk to her).

She moved over.

We sat in silence for a moment.

I asked, “Linda, how’ve you been these days?”

She said, “Not good.”

I said, “Neither have I. I haven’t talked to you for two days.”

She asked, “Why does not talking feel bad?”

I explained, “Because not talking means our relationship is damaged. I haven’t treated you as my own, haven’t seen you as my daughter.”

She whispered, “Hmm,” sounding a bit sad.

I told her, “You really upset me the other day.”

(I described the situation again)

Then I asked, “Do you know why I was upset?”

She said, “Because I didn’t go exercise.”

I replied, “No, it’s not about skipping exercise. It was your attitude and words that hurt me. Can you explain why you didn’t want to exercise that day?”

She confessed, “I don’t like jumping rope. It makes my back hurt.”

I said, “Back pain? You never mentioned before.”

She added, “And I don’t like jumping rope, I always mess it up.”

I said, “Oh, back pain and not liking rope jumping, you should’ve told me. If you don’t say anything, I won’t know your thoughts. Next time, talk to me about it.”

She apologized, “Dad, I’m sorry. I’ll explain better next time.”

I admitted, “I wasn’t right either. I was impatient and quick to anger. And being upset for two days without speaking to you wasn’t right. The Bible says not to let the sun go down on anger, but I failed. Please forgive me.”

Linda teared up. We talked for about 20 minutes.

I suggested we pray together. I prayed first, then she prayed.

“Heavenly Father, forgive me for lacking patience with Linda and being quick to anger. I struggled to forgive her. Forgive my sins. Help me communicate better with Linda, handle our conflicts well. In Jesus’ name, amen.”

Linda followed, “Heavenly Father, forgive me for how I treated Dad that day. I didn’t speak well nor express myself clearly. Help me talk better with Dad. In Jesus’ name, amen.”

Finally, I told Linda, “I want to tell you two things: First, your attitude and words, when inappropriate, can hurt people, so be mindful of how you act and speak to others. Second, share your thoughts openly. Silent guessing is hard for others. Our relationship is restored now, but I’m sure this won’t be our last conflict. We’ll face more in the future, but I hope we can communicate openly and recover quickly.”

Linda agreed, “Okay, Dad.”

Then we hugged. She seemed emotional, with tears in her eyes.

As she opened the car door and stepped out, I felt relieved and relaxed, and Linda’s demeanor was visibly lighter too. Talking to her again felt natural, just as it was before the cold war. We rebuilt our close relationship.

Reflections

This cold war might show I was “petty,” but it gave me plenty to ponder.

• Parents face kids’ misunderstanding and defiance, and can “explode” in frustration. My faith’s Heavenly Father, yet meets my rebellious nature with love and patience.
• I’m truly a sinner. I thought years of career experience shielded me in relationships, yet here I am undone by a daughter’s careless words. There’s still deep pride and self-righteousness inside me, lacking humility, unable to embrace even my own child.
• Face parent-child conflicts directly. Some might say, why bother arguing with children, but misunderstanding and resentment accumulate over time, becoming deeply rooted when kids grow up. Address conflicts actively, restore relationships swiftly. Parents and kids should have close ties.
• As Linda grows, hitting adolescence and young adulthood, we’ll inevitably differ and clash more. This is expected. Still, I hope to build a communication channel with her early on. So even when conflicts arise, we maintain this communication path and tradition, rather than shutting down.