If Parents Applied the Same Tough Standards to Themselves as They Do to Their Kids...

We have two kids at home. Our daughter is ten, and our son is five. As a dad, I’ve been pretty involved in their education and discipline.

Having been on the front lines of this “job” for a while now, I’ve started to observe and ponder: Kids have it really tough. As parents, could we actually meet the standards we set for them?

Honestly, I can’t.

Some of these expectations are about learning abilities. For example:

How can you still not recite this ancient poem after so much time?
Why can’t you remember these few words?
Why are these simple math additions still a struggle when other kids get it immediately?
Focus on playing the piano. Why can’t you fix your hand positions?

There are also expectations about habits, like:

I’ve told you to cut down on screen time. Why are you always on the phone?
Stop being bored and playing around all the time. Go read a book.
Manage your time properly. Do certain things at certain times.
Turn off the TV. Come eat right away.
Enough with the chips. Put them away immediately.
After school, run 1000 meters before you come home… Jump rope 1000 times each day…

These standards are just too high.

As adults, can we manage our own time well? Can we resist the urge to check our phones constantly? Can you memorize a new Tang poem in ten minutes? When you’re engrossed in a TV show or movie, can you turn it off and go eat immediately? And I mean immediately! With those layers of fat you’re carrying, can you commit to running 1000 meters daily?

Honestly, most of us can’t. So why do we as parents apply such “tough standards” to our kids?

The standard answer: Love for our kids.

I believe parents do love their children. But besides love, something is missing: respect. Colossians 3:21 says, “Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.”

Why isn’t there respect? Because we don’t see children as independent individuals. Subconsciously, we view them as our extensions. Since they’re extensions, parents feel entitled to control them. Ask yourself, could you treat any independent person — like a colleague at work — with the same harsh standards and loud tone as you do with your child? You can’t.

Growing up, I was never a standout. I was always a step behind others. In fifth grade, my dad made fun of me because I couldn’t tell “flavor” from “feed.” That hurt stays with you for a lifetime (of course, I’ve forgiven my dad). Having been hurt, I know what it’s like for a child. So when my own kids take a bit longer, I’m not that impatient.

Apart from trying to understand my kids, I also try to do things with them, sharing in their efforts.

When my kids do homework at night, I read or write beside them instead of browsing my phone.
When my kids learn new words, I read and memorize them along with them.
When they go for badminton lessons, I book a court and play with Yanbing, instead of mindlessly scrolling my phone, waiting for the class to end.
When they run or ride bikes, I join them.
Watching movies and eating chips with them, even if I’ve seen the movie before.

These are some things I try to do with my kids. Being involved with them helps me understand their pressures and challenges a bit better.

In life, I’ve seen parents set unreasonable expectations for their kids and then get angry when they aren’t met — I’ve done this too with our kids.

At times like these, we need to ask ourselves: If I applied the same “tough standards” to myself that I apply to my kids, could I handle it? Could I meet those high expectations myself?

Can you do it? Then get in there! Share activities and learning with your kids. This way, you’ll have more respect and understanding for them.

“Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it.” (Proverbs 22:6)