How an Angry Youth Survives
In 2002, as a sophomore in college, I started following current events and politics in China and abroad through the internet. Back then, China’s internet was open and free, allowing access to various viewpoints and perspectives.
I felt that information’s impact on people was balanced during that time because all voices were relatively equally presented. An adult willing to expose themselves to diverse information could make some independent judgments—not swayed by the prevailing narratives.
I don’t consider myself a loving person. But after living in a place for a while, you inevitably have feelings for it, wanting it to get better. Especially when you know other places with more freedom, advancement, and respect for human dignity and individuals, you wish this land could improve. At least move in a better direction.
But reality disappoints. Not just once or twice, but repeatedly. Going from dissatisfaction to disappointment to anger. For me, this anger has been building for nearly 20 years. Years ago, people like me were labeled “angry youth.”
It’s painful for one’s heart to be filled with the disappointment and anger brought by the environment. No one wants this pain. Gradually, I found a way to live more comfortably: ignoring outside matters and pretending to be indifferent. It does make things better to a certain extent.
However, on this land, once stained by blood and still stained today, negative, unjust, and unlawful news will occasionally pop up even if you try to avoid it. It gives no room for “pretending to be indifferent.” Honestly, the negative news we see is often filtered; or sometimes, something so big like the COVID-19 outbreak can’t be hidden.
I’ve thought about emigrating, completely leaving this “land of heartbreak and anger.” But then, I wonder, will changing countries and nationalities truly cut my ties to my homeland? I doubt it. Maybe there will indeed be a day when I leave.
Compared to the past, the air has become thinner in recent years, making it increasingly difficult to breathe freely. Every once in a while, I relapse as if it’s a cyclical illness. Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve had a recurrence. Last night was the peak.
After a good night’s sleep (one of my ways to adjust), my mood improved a bit this morning. I sang a few hymns alone, and my heart felt more at peace. I realized that my “passion” and anger are somewhat baseless and intangible, lacking real, concrete objects—people. Maybe I should start loving from friends and neighbors around me.
Suddenly, it also struck me how imperfect our world is (whether in Eastern or Western countries). If there isn’t an eternal, perfect kingdom, then this world really is too laughable and absurd. The Christian faith is truly vital.