On Death | Diff's Pilgrimage Notes

I’m in a faith low right now and sometimes doubt if I’m really believing in Jesus. But there’s one thing that’s become clearer to me: in daily life, I’m not afraid of death anymore. I say “daily life” because I’ve never actually faced or experienced death myself (maybe I’d still be nervous at that moment, hoping not afraid).

This fearlessness isn’t from a change in environment or self-psychology training. I believe it’s entirely from my Christian faith, from knowing and trusting Christ. So in this respect, no matter how weak I get, I can’t deny that I’m a Christian.

It’s not just that I’m not afraid of death. Honestly, I’m kind of looking forward to it. Of course, not death itself, but the eternal life with God. That world is completely different from ours, full of sin, war, injustice, suffering, hunger, emptiness. It’s a perfect, holy, joyful, satisfying world. Just think, if there wasn’t such a perfect world, if we lived only in an imperfect one, that’d be truly sad and regretful.

Here’s an article from 2013 on thoughts about death.

This was at the end of 2013. I had rhinitis and kept hearing about nasopharyngeal carcinoma. I was very worried and scared. Just before the New Year, I went for a nasoscopy; this was basically my mental journey while waiting for results.

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I don’t know what the outcome will be, but the presence of death always makes you stop in this noisy, busy world, quiet down, and think. I’m thankful for this chance to “stop.” Looking back on the last three months, I’ve been living disconnected from God. In quiet reflection, this is like being dead; without God, living is dying; with God, there’s no need to fear death, because Jesus gives eternal life and resurrection.

Everyone dies once, so whether it’s sooner or later, it’s fair for everyone. There’s no need to complain about fate being unfair, just accept it gladly. Can man control their own life or death? No! And I believe the Ruler of life loves me so much. So, whether I live or die, it’s his good will. Compared to this life, I look forward to eternal life more, so in a way, death is better.

I’m not afraid of dying, but I worry about my family. If I go, who will provide for them, care for my wife, raise the kids? It’s easy for me to go, but it leaves a burden for Yanbing. (I’ve started crying writing this.) I imagine if I had millions, would I then let go of concern for my family and calmly head to eternal life? How little faith I have! I believe in a God who surpasses death, the Almighty who loves me and my family. Wouldn’t he provide for their needs? That brings me peace. Even if I sometimes worry in weakness, let me hold on tight to his word and fully trust him.

I’m not dead yet. Maybe God wants me to live.

If I’m to live, how should I live the rest of my days? Maybe a year, or five years, ten, even thirty years.

Do I still chase after material things? Do I still live with my body alive but my spirit parched? Do I still live without a sense of mission like now?

Lord, I’m so weak. The world pulls at me, and I can’t overcome it. I’m selfish, without love, unwilling to give love unless you inspire, push me to do it.

If I can live, I want to be your channel, speak your words, bring your gospel to those around me. I want to let go of pursuing material things, fully believe you’ll provide daily bread. I want every decision to look to you, be filled with faith. I want to lead my family—parents, siblings, wife, children—before you. This is my mission.