Struggling with Miracles in a Faith Valley

I’m in a faith low right now.

When it comes to praying for God’s powerful healing and change for brothers and sisters who are seriously ill or in trouble, I have no faith. Miracles are a part of my understanding of God that I just can’t get past. It’s been this way since Weiwei passed away from cancer in 2012.

I’m doubting my faith. What exactly am I believing in?

Let’s examine my faith through creation, fall, and redemption.

Creation. By what I see with my eyes—the mountains, rivers, lakes, seas, flowers, trees, animals, and my two children’s growth—I believe in God’s creation. For the vast universe and endless microscopic world that are unseen, I also believe, through faith, that God created these too.

Fall. The biggest sins I see in myself are lust and pride. Before believing in Christ, these hidden things never seemed like sins or anything wrong to me. After believing, I feel the filth of these more strongly and my heart detests them, yet I cannot overcome them on my own. This battle between spirit and flesh is exactly what the Bible describes. Conversely, what the Bible describes as the battle between spirit and flesh is precisely what I experience. I must acknowledge the truth of the Bible.

Redemption. I’ve never seen God with my own eyes or heard His voice. Yet, through prayer (which sometimes feels like talking to air), I’ve experienced the freedom of being forgiven for sins.

Resurrection. I’m a person who fears dying, fears the dead, and fears death itself. But the Christian faith brings me great peace, a sense of security, with no worries about the future and no doubts about the final destination. Sometimes, I even hope to leave this world sooner.

However, every time the issue of “miracles” comes up, I can’t get over it. Honestly, I believe that everything in the world—what people call “nature”—and even the healing of diseases through medicine are God’s works. These are miracles, traces of God’s actions. And yet, the miracles we often pray for are supernatural. If we understand the creation and order of nature as miracles, what we’re hoping for is for God to disrupt His own actions and intervene. These kinds of miracles do appear in the Bible, and indeed, God has performed them because of people’s prayers. I believe “In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth,” and I also believe in “supernatural” miracles. But my faith only goes as far as asking, “May it be according to Your will,” when praying for miracles. I don’t have the faith to pray for miracles to actually happen.