Denying Myself

It’s so hard to first deny and reflect on myself when I disagree with others or when there’s conflict. People habitually protect themselves. To guard our own interests, self-esteem, and dignity, sometimes we’d rather choose to be wrong.

Even though I’m still unsure of the road ahead, looking at what I’m doing from a semi-outsider’s perspective really makes things a lot easier. I’m not as concerned with gains and losses anymore.

Talking with Brother Yankai in Shanghai, he said, “God put me here, in this position,” which is a great attitude at work.

I want that too.

This past year seemed like a lot of wasted time, but looking back, my heart has gone through several changes. Many previous thoughts and motivations have been refined. However, I feel this refining process is just beginning.

I want to mature more before God. Lately, I often think, “I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me.” With my personality and ability, I don’t have confidence to get along with this team; but I do have confidence to interact with them with the attitude that “I’ve died, and Christ lives in me.”

Interacting with people, whether strangers, new friends, or close companions, always brings joy, but also conflicts, trust, and doubt. How should I face this? This is the lesson I need to learn.

Today marks the first milestone with this team. After losing a bet and treating everyone to a meal, I was walking to the No. 17 bus stop when a question popped up: why is it so hard to deny myself?