Taking a Step Forward

When I looked back at my diary from last August, I saw how much I haven’t grown over the past year. No progress in faith, no progress in life’s direction.

In faith, I’m still lingering outside the door. Compared to last year, this year’s even worse. I’ve become numb. No matter how many testimonies from fellow believers I hear, no matter how many sermons, I feel nothing. I seem more complacent, lost in self-deception and superficial satisfaction, not alert. Yet I think I’m doing okay, because others see me as a believer, someone who talks about God often. Maybe some even say I’m earnestly seeking. But honestly, am I? No. Joining church activities, serving with guitar, but mostly for the social connections, my interests, my vanity—not because of God. My heart’s hardened, resisting God. Even if there are intentions to seek Him, I can’t muster the will to take even a small step.

As Yanbing pointed out, I can’t keep going on like this year after year. One day I’ll realize nothing’s changed, even as I grow older. What’s the meaning of my life then?

Praying, I couldn’t help but cry. Couldn’t understand my emotional outcry or control my emotions. I asked God to forgive my past laziness and give me another chance. I grapple with pride, and people’s words often make me doubt God. Things in the Bible I don’t understand lead to doubt and weariness. I’m focused on worldly things and can’t see God. I also fail to control my physical desires, leading to impurity. Aware of these sins, in God’s eyes, I feel fear, shame, and guilt.

I really can’t keep doing this.

While writing this, I overheard a fight downstairs. More people joined in. A woman started crying, curses were flying, lots of yelling, accusations like “You’re being unreasonable!” back and forth.

What’s the truth? Do arguments ever result in truth?

How many generations have witnessed such pointless disputes? After such fights, they might sever ties with each other. What meaning or benefit do these arguments bring to their lives?

I’ve realized faith is truly beautiful.

This week, I want to seek God earnestly. My self-control is really poor. I follow my whims, my desires. But this week, I want to overcome myself. I need God to guide me when I falter.

I also hope to manage my time well this week—live with a plan, rhythm, and discipline.

I want humility at work too. Comparing myself to younger colleagues, I don’t want to fear that humility will cost me my standing. I want to walk in righteousness, integrity, honesty, even if it brings trouble or isn’t to my advantage. I want to be obedient at work, understand God’s will in my daily tasks, and pray for His will each morning.

I’m also handing over my health, troubled by poor lifestyle, to God. I sincerely pray for His healing. May He heal someone like me, who lacks faith. And I want to exercise daily with gratitude. Thank God for life and a healthy body, but not become proud of my strength. I pray for healing.

Lastly, the direction of my life. I want to tell God everything, including my doubts about Him. I need to open up fully in prayer. Truth is, even if I hide, God knows my heart completely. I lack the faith to say, “God, you arrange my future,” because I truly love art and design. What’s His will if it’s outside what I cherish? I lack the faith because I don’t know if anything else could captivate me or sustain me. No faith.

Looking back at my diary from a year ago, it recorded thoughts on life’s direction. They were almost the same as now. One year, even three years, no action, no plan, nothing’s progressed. Without this night’s wake-up call, would next year be the same stagnant goals?

I’m of average intelligence, lack courage and persistence, and indulge in comfort. What can I achieve? Will my life always be about planning on paper, living within those plans forever?

Because I lack faith, I can’t find confidence on my own. People and circumstances around me don’t give me confidence, rather the world’s reality makes me feel inadequate, like I can’t accomplish anything. Compared to others, I lack the foundation to fulfill dreams.

But even if I succeed worldly-wise, achieving self-set goals, what’s the point? Can’t escape life’s decline! Moreover, worldly success—what besides material and supposed spiritual enjoyment based on it can there be? I can’t guarantee it’s more satisfying than the joy I find in faith.

I want to listen to God’s will. My faith is small. In prayer, I even say, “If when I’m old I find that God is void, wouldn’t my life be tragic?” Pray God forgives this disrespect and offense. Such thoughts arise because voices outside faith often disturb. May God help me, remove all disturbances.

After these prayers, I felt moved: should I join this week’s Bible study? A conflict erupted within—one side saying go, step out; the other saying practice guitar, ponder life’s direction, paint.

Regarding guitar practice, I prayed that I would only play for God. Recently, I was practicing pop songs. I think I’ll stop that, stick to hymns.

About life’s direction, after years of thought, no change or progress, let it go. Since it’s been entrusted to God in prayer, why rely on myself this week? What I need now is to step forward, cultivate true seriousness in faith, return to God.

With determination, decide to join Bible study this week. Pray to God to prepare everything, eliminate all distractions about this. Participate not to socialize but to know God. Remove all people-focused thoughts.

Thank God. Thank the brothers and sisters for their guidance, correction, and help. Pray that God leads and uses our lives.